So we went to the friendly little cake shop next door instead. All the biggest, creamiest, loveliest looking cakes were on display at the front. They were the first (and only) things we saw when we walked in. My children were like kids in a candy store (well, yes, a cake store). The oldest, a fussy eater, immediately identified one he had tried before: "I'll have THAT one." The middle one was indecisive: "I want that one OR that one." The youngest was indiscriminant: "I want that one AND that one AND that one AND that one." We were attracting bemused looks from the two teenaged girls sitting in the corner. Of course each of the kids had pointed to different cakes. I tried to suggest that we buy one and split it three ways (okay, four ways: I was going to have some too). But the kids were not happy with this plan. The woman behind the counter looked at me sypathetically and suggested I might like to choose from the smaller biscuits and cakes housed in the cabinet around the corner, completely out of our immediate view. We did manage to select a small treat for each of us, keeping the kids quiet for at least five minutes (sadly, not long enough for me to finish my cup of tea in peace). It was, though, very pleasant, and I am sure we did not disturb the other patrons (too much).
I love going to cafes with my kids. It might mean I'm a bad mum, dosing them up on sugary treats, but it is a pleasant way to spend our time together and it usually means a few minutes' rest for me (something I crave when we are out shopping).
It did get me thinking, though, about the sign at the front of the cafe next door. I have noticed a similar sign at the bookshop cafe I favour in the local shopping centre. That one reads: "Parents – Keep control of your children!"
While I understand the reasoning behind these signs – it's clearly a health and safety hazard to have kids running around in a cafe/bar/restaurant while waiters are trying to get through with trays of hot food and drinks – I still find my hackles rising when faced with this sort of admonition. The problem, for me, is with the word "control" and the assertion that all children should be under their parents' control.
I am not quite sure how one is supposed to have complete control over another human being. Yes, when my children are behaving badly I can try to reason with them, threaten them, plead with them. But there is no guarantee it will work. And the more tired/bored/hungry they are, the less likely that any appeals to reason will be successful. Even more so if they are in the middle of a complete meltdown: then NOTHING will work. This is especially so for my middle child who is completely inflexible and cannot cope at all when things don't go his way (much like many adults I know). He is also far too big and strong for me to physically move him when he is in that state. So if he does have a meltdown in a public place, removing him from the scene is just not an option for me. Happily this is not something that happens very often but when it does happen I do not have control over the situation. I just need to ride it out, and hope that those around me are sympathetic rather than angry.
This issue seems to be a hot topic at the moment. Last year I read a newspaper article, helpfully titled "hey parents, leave your kids at home." The article was directed, mainly, at parents who take their kids into pubs, rather than cafes, but the sentiment is much the same as that I've heard expressed by some people about kids in cafes: "I am an adult, I want to go out and be an adult without being burdened by the noise and chaos of other people's kids."
I understand that, I do. But I also think people who express this opinion are being incredibly selfish and not particularly empathic to parents. In my research for this post I found the original article online and was horrified by the anti-parent sentiment expressed in some of the comments. Here is a sample:
Over-indulgent parents coupled with complete parental indifference to non-parents means some children develop poor social boundaries and the rest of us are expected to put up with these awful products of poor parenting.
when we get the chance to venture out for an "adult" drink or a meal the last thing we want is pathic (sic) parents with their horrid, undisciplined children running a muck.
A recent article in the Guardian about a restaurant that has banned "noisy children" unleashed even more venomous parent-bashing from readers. It seems that there are a lot of people out there who wish children were hidden away from public view. In fact, reading these comments made me think that we have returned to the Victorian era in which "children should be seen but not heard".
One businessman complained about a time when he was recovering from a long flight and had to put up with the noise and disruption of children in the hotel restaurant. Hello? You were in a hotel restaurant, not your own private cocoon.
Last week there was an article in the Age about children on long-haul flights – this time written by a parent suggesting that it would be helpful (for everyone) if there were play areas in airports. Again, this revealed some astonishing anti-parent and anti-children sentiment in the reader comments (along with many supporting remarks from other parents who could relate to this situation).
Check out this absurd response:
It is ridiculous to be imposed to out of control children in a cramped and uncomfortable environment. Otherwise make the distribution of drugs either for the children or the tortured other passengers mandatory.
What makes anybody think that a toddler will in anyway benefit or enjoy an international holiday. They would have forgotten the experience before lunch. Parents with toddlers should have their passports confiscated. What is worse, smuggling drugs on board or smuggling a toddler on board??
Why is it that people are so intolerant these days? If you're in a public place, surely you are going to have to rub shoulders with other members of society and potentially have your peace threatened. And why are only children (and their parents) the targets of these attacks? What about loud, drunk businessmen? Or groups of giggly teenaged girls? Or obnoxious people having loud conversations on their mobile phone? All these people, and more, can threaten our peace at times but we just have to accept that other people are a fact of life: move away if you have to, or just put up with it.
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