Easy Peasy

For the past few days I have been fuming about an article I read in the Sunday Life magazine, titled "The Big Easy". The author, Jacinta Tynan, who appears to lead a charmed life, argues that from where she stands "motherhood is a cinch" and she "can't see what all the whingeing is about".

I am pleased to see I'm not the only one who was infuriated by this article. There have been other blog posts and commentaries in the past two days (see Not Quite Crafty and Chalet Girl for instance).

Funnily enough while I was fuming about this article and composing a response in my head I was breastfeeding my tired toddler and waiting patiently for him to fall asleep so I could sneak off to the computer and write it all down. But he did not fall asleep. So I did not get to write it down and was irritable and snappy with the kids for the rest of the day. What was it Jacinta said about the lack of "me time"? Quit moaning about it.

The article is written from the arrogant perspective of a woman who is in the first year of motherhood with an easy baby. She did balance her commentary a little with acknowledgement that yes, she has a baby not a toddler (not even a crawling baby) and an easy one at that. But she was so smug – as so many women are about this stuff – that I feel compelled to respond. By writing about how wonderfully easy it all is, she makes all women who have ever complained about motherhood feel even more inadequate.

Five years ago my second child was born a month early. He was a hungry unsettled baby and I survived for the first six months on four or five hours of (broken) sleep a night. I had zero patience with my two-year-old, and I blame that period of time on his subsequent self-esteem issues. One day during that time my sister-in-law, who was basking in the love and joy of her first baby (an easy settled child, of course) took my husband aside and said to him “why isn't she coping? Other women cope with having two children. What is wrong with her?” I have often reflected on this incident not only because it provides evidence of my in-laws' incredible propensity to judge other people, always negatively (but more on that another time). I have often thought: why didn't she offer to help? Why did she just point out how inadequate I was, how there must be something wrong with me if I couldn't cope? If she was finding life so easy and I was struggling with a hungry baby who did not sleep well and an attention-seeking toddler, why not offer to take her nephew off my hands for a few hours, or provide some freezable meals now and then? But no – practical help was never offered, just judgement. Until you have been in that situation (and yes my sister-in-law did eventually find herself there) you have no right to judge. Yes, you can say that you are enjoying motherhood but don't suggest that those around you who are struggling have the wrong attitude or are not approaching it in the right way.

Jacinta Tynan suggests that because she loves her baby and feels grateful to have him, caring for him is a cinch: "soothing a crying baby who won't sleep for love nor money is a privilege, not a hardship". And motherhood is not hard because she loves it - "hard? No. Exhilarating and rewarding more like it." Well, Jacinta, I'm sure most mothers love their children and have plenty of moments when they find it exhilarating and rewarding. That's why we stick at it, day in and day out. But you are confusing ejoyment with ease. They are not the same thing. Does the fact that I love being a mother make it easy to survive in a sleep-deprived fog for months on end? Does it make it easy to deal with a four-year-old who is screaming so loudly in the supermarket that the manager threatens to call the police? (yes, this really happened: the manager threatened my son but did not offer to help me, despite the fact that I obviously had my hands full with two other children and a trolley load full of shopping). Does loving your child make it easy to battle day after day when he refuses to eat? Does it make it easy to get your oldest kid to school on time when the youngest has a tantrum just as you're heading out the door? Does it make it easy to stay calm and level-headed when your kids are trying to tear each others' eyeballs out because one sat on the "wrong" chair? Does it make it easy to cajole a reluctant learner to do his homework, or to help a child with poor self-esteem who is struggling in the playground?

We complain about motherhood, Jacinta, because it IS hard work. Yes, it is fun and rewarding. But it is hard too. And sharing the load helps. Knowing you are not alone helps. And sometimes we complain because we are really asking for help. But does it help to hear another mother gloat about how easy she finds it? No, it does not.